Each of the 5 steps (I have outlined in these
emails) regarding claiming your dream life after narcissistic abuse
are extremely important.
But, truly… if I had to say that one step stands out
as being the most
important, it would have to be becoming an effective boundary
setter.
Because of this, please make sure you read this email carefully and dedicate some time to these exercises!
Because of this, please make sure you read this email carefully and dedicate some time to these exercises!
So Why Are Boundaries So Important?
If we don’t know who we are and what we stand for, how can
anyone else know how to meet our needs or respect us?
The truth is they can’t…
Boundaries are essential. They define what is okay for us, and what isn’t.
We would never allow uninvited people to walk into our house, or randomly take our car for a drive, or help themselves to the proceeds in our bank account.
Yet until we know how to define and lay boundaries effectively we can easily hand our power over and allow people to violate us emotionally, mentally, spiritually, financially and even physically.
An important rule to remember is: whatever you are willing to tolerate will become your reality.
Boundaries are essential. They define what is okay for us, and what isn’t.
We would never allow uninvited people to walk into our house, or randomly take our car for a drive, or help themselves to the proceeds in our bank account.
Yet until we know how to define and lay boundaries effectively we can easily hand our power over and allow people to violate us emotionally, mentally, spiritually, financially and even physically.
An important rule to remember is: whatever you are willing to tolerate will become your reality.
What Happens When We Have Weak Boundaries?
When we have poor boundaries we attract all sorts of people and
situations who don’t
value and respect us.
If we chose to remain victimised we declare angrily and painfully our distress. We declare that people ‘should know better’. After all – don’t we know that we care about others and have integrity?
This is until we realise - the way we treat others is no indication about how life and others will treat us.
In fact, people treat us how we treat ourselves.
Therefore, if we don’t have the skills, and courage to identify our own limits and needs, and if we don’t know how to healthily speak up for them, then we are in for a very hard time.
If we don't stand for our own evolution and develop healthy boundaries, people and life will continue to violate us.
Often it is this very fear of being ‘hurt’ that keeps us from engaging healthily in life. It can be a profound fear that makes us hide, dim down and not progress forward into being the best we can be.
Relationships play a pivotal part in our lives, because they are the grist that calls forth our development. We always have a choice.
To stay in the pain, or create the effort to transform.
It is through working on our beliefs and Inner Identity that we create literal miracles in our life from the events that happened to us.
We can learn how to show up completely differently in life, thus expanding into the generation of a completely different future.
Narcissistic abuse, in my opinion, is the biggest wake-up call we could ever receive in regard to needing to develop our ability to know and set healthy boundaries.
If you want to become the best you can be, and create the life you want to live, becoming an effective boundary setter is a vital skill that you just can’t ignore.
If we chose to remain victimised we declare angrily and painfully our distress. We declare that people ‘should know better’. After all – don’t we know that we care about others and have integrity?
This is until we realise - the way we treat others is no indication about how life and others will treat us.
In fact, people treat us how we treat ourselves.
Therefore, if we don’t have the skills, and courage to identify our own limits and needs, and if we don’t know how to healthily speak up for them, then we are in for a very hard time.
If we don't stand for our own evolution and develop healthy boundaries, people and life will continue to violate us.
Often it is this very fear of being ‘hurt’ that keeps us from engaging healthily in life. It can be a profound fear that makes us hide, dim down and not progress forward into being the best we can be.
Relationships play a pivotal part in our lives, because they are the grist that calls forth our development. We always have a choice.
To stay in the pain, or create the effort to transform.
It is through working on our beliefs and Inner Identity that we create literal miracles in our life from the events that happened to us.
We can learn how to show up completely differently in life, thus expanding into the generation of a completely different future.
Narcissistic abuse, in my opinion, is the biggest wake-up call we could ever receive in regard to needing to develop our ability to know and set healthy boundaries.
If you want to become the best you can be, and create the life you want to live, becoming an effective boundary setter is a vital skill that you just can’t ignore.
My Confession
I used to be terrible at boundaries. Shocking in fact. I
was the ultimate people-pleaser, because I was terrified of upsetting the apple
cart. I was so scared that people would not like me, or would abuse
me or attack me if I disagreed with them.
Within my intimate partner relationships I was terrified to say “No” in case I was abandoned.
The truth was before my first narcissistic relationship my boundaries were poor in nearly every area of my life.
Before my second narcissistic experience my fears of abandonment were still causing me to self-abandon, rather than stand firmly for my truth.
Narcissistic abuse truly was the wake-up call of my life-time in regard to boundaries.
Due to poor boundaries my losses were monstrous. I might have well as opened up my life, soul and resources, thrown away the key and said “help yourself!”
The wonderful gift of working through my belief systems and fears is: not only have I been able to profoundly recover from the pain of abuse and violation, my confidence in all of life has increased one hundred fold.
I know how to show up authentically. I know my needs, I speak my truth and I confront things from a powerful and serene adult inner centre when my intuition signals that something needs to be said, clarified or asked for.
Needless to say, my personal relationships have deepened to a true intimacy, trust and connection far surpassing levels of connection that I previously had believed were possible.
And the relief of trusting myself flows into everything that I do.
I truly can’t recommend working on your boundaries enough. It is breathtakingly life-changing!
I cannot emphasis this enough…
The reason why you may be still suffering from traumatic stress disorders (if you are) is because your Inner Child does not feel like you can look after her or him yet.
When you develop the part of yourself who is the Healthy Internal Parent and you take the stand for your Inner Child like this:
“Sweetheart, I will NEVER let that happen to you again. I am SO sorry I did…I am going to do everything I can to do to develop myself to love you, take care of you and look after you”
…and your Inner Child starts to believe you – I promise you this:
You will NO LONGER have anxiety and C-PTSD symptoms.
Because the small, insecure and terrified part of you will feel secure and safe.
That all has to do with evolving and growing yourself into becoming an effective boundary setter.
Because no-one in life is going to come along and rescue you and keep you safe.
Within my intimate partner relationships I was terrified to say “No” in case I was abandoned.
The truth was before my first narcissistic relationship my boundaries were poor in nearly every area of my life.
Before my second narcissistic experience my fears of abandonment were still causing me to self-abandon, rather than stand firmly for my truth.
Narcissistic abuse truly was the wake-up call of my life-time in regard to boundaries.
Due to poor boundaries my losses were monstrous. I might have well as opened up my life, soul and resources, thrown away the key and said “help yourself!”
The wonderful gift of working through my belief systems and fears is: not only have I been able to profoundly recover from the pain of abuse and violation, my confidence in all of life has increased one hundred fold.
I know how to show up authentically. I know my needs, I speak my truth and I confront things from a powerful and serene adult inner centre when my intuition signals that something needs to be said, clarified or asked for.
Needless to say, my personal relationships have deepened to a true intimacy, trust and connection far surpassing levels of connection that I previously had believed were possible.
And the relief of trusting myself flows into everything that I do.
I truly can’t recommend working on your boundaries enough. It is breathtakingly life-changing!
I cannot emphasis this enough…
The reason why you may be still suffering from traumatic stress disorders (if you are) is because your Inner Child does not feel like you can look after her or him yet.
When you develop the part of yourself who is the Healthy Internal Parent and you take the stand for your Inner Child like this:
“Sweetheart, I will NEVER let that happen to you again. I am SO sorry I did…I am going to do everything I can to do to develop myself to love you, take care of you and look after you”
…and your Inner Child starts to believe you – I promise you this:
You will NO LONGER have anxiety and C-PTSD symptoms.
Because the small, insecure and terrified part of you will feel secure and safe.
That all has to do with evolving and growing yourself into becoming an effective boundary setter.
Because no-one in life is going to come along and rescue you and keep you safe.
It is YOUR job!
Releasing The Fear Of Laying Boundaries
The fear of laying boundaries stems from the wounded child
within us. The insecure part of ourself which learnt that it wasn’t safe to
speak up, and our needs weren’t met healthily when we did.
All of us came from origins that did not necessary have individuals with a high level of development operating within themselves.
To understand more about what is going on for you in regard to boundaries, I want you to do this following exercise.
Exercise 1:
Really feel into yourself when you think about standing for yourself.
What happens when you know you need to speak up, yet fear doing so?
Go to a memory of such a time.
I want you to feel where you feel the fear in your body.
Connect to that part of yourself.
Now ask yourself “What is the chronological age of this part of me?” Allow your intuition to provide you with the answer, or muscle test for the answer if this is a technique that you use.
Now that you have anchored into the part of yourself that is afraid of setting boundaries, ask yourself ‘What is this fear about?”
Really connect into and write down what comes up for you.
Really trust what your body exposes to you – don’t try to work it out logically.
All of us came from origins that did not necessary have individuals with a high level of development operating within themselves.
To understand more about what is going on for you in regard to boundaries, I want you to do this following exercise.
Exercise 1:
Really feel into yourself when you think about standing for yourself.
What happens when you know you need to speak up, yet fear doing so?
Go to a memory of such a time.
I want you to feel where you feel the fear in your body.
Connect to that part of yourself.
Now ask yourself “What is the chronological age of this part of me?” Allow your intuition to provide you with the answer, or muscle test for the answer if this is a technique that you use.
Now that you have anchored into the part of yourself that is afraid of setting boundaries, ask yourself ‘What is this fear about?”
Really connect into and write down what comes up for you.
Really trust what your body exposes to you – don’t try to work it out logically.
How You Need To Evolve In Order To Lay Effective
Boundaries
Exercise 2:
Ok for this exercise I want you to go to your list of the attributes you don’t wish to experience from last week's email.
Ok for this exercise I want you to go to your list of the attributes you don’t wish to experience from last week's email.
If you haven’t done this exercise yet please make a list of these attributes.
Example:
Dishonesty, Pretences, Judgment, Adultery, Irresponsibility, Anger.
Now write down how you need to evolve yourself in order to show up differently in life to be the person who commands receiving your needs healthily.
In order to do this ask yourself:
“What do I need to change? What do I need to heal? How do I need to show up differently?”
Really connect inwards, and write down the answers you receive.
The Joys Of Being An Effective Boundary Setter
Becoming an effective boundary setter changes your life in so
many ways…
It allows you to meet new friends and potential love partners without any fear of being controlled or manipulated.
People are actually impressed by your courage to stand in your truth and will naturally be drawn to you.
You will be an incredible role model to your children, and your loved ones.
It allows you to attract the people and situations that align with your truth, and empowers you to confidently say ‘No’ to anything and anyone that doesn’t.
Boundaries are incredibly important, and still to this day it saddens me that we aren’t taught such a vital skill at a young age.
It took me a long time to get boundaries right, but I’m happy to say I did and I haven’t looked back!
The Quanta Freedom Empowered Self Course (which I will be giving you a special discount for in a few days) has 3 Quanta Freedom Modules and over 50 pages of exercises on how to become an effective boundary setter, how to release the fear of laying boundaries and my 5 keys to creating healthy boundaries.
If you are already doing The Quanta Freedom Empowered Self Course, I hope you have enjoyed this email and the re-focus on how important boundaries are!
Next week will be the 5th and final step of this email series.
It allows you to meet new friends and potential love partners without any fear of being controlled or manipulated.
People are actually impressed by your courage to stand in your truth and will naturally be drawn to you.
You will be an incredible role model to your children, and your loved ones.
It allows you to attract the people and situations that align with your truth, and empowers you to confidently say ‘No’ to anything and anyone that doesn’t.
Boundaries are incredibly important, and still to this day it saddens me that we aren’t taught such a vital skill at a young age.
It took me a long time to get boundaries right, but I’m happy to say I did and I haven’t looked back!
The Quanta Freedom Empowered Self Course (which I will be giving you a special discount for in a few days) has 3 Quanta Freedom Modules and over 50 pages of exercises on how to become an effective boundary setter, how to release the fear of laying boundaries and my 5 keys to creating healthy boundaries.
If you are already doing The Quanta Freedom Empowered Self Course, I hope you have enjoyed this email and the re-focus on how important boundaries are!
Next week will be the 5th and final step of this email series.
I look forward to speaking to you again soon!
Much Love xo
 |
Melanie Tonia Evans
Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Expert, Author, Radio Host www.melanietoniaevans.com |
No comments:
Post a Comment