Probably, and you’re in
the majority. The term “dysfunctional family,” once used only by professionals,
has become popular jargon in America where dysfunctional families are the norm
due to cultural values, a high divorce rate, and widespread addictions – from
prescription drugs to exercising, working, and shopping.
A healthy family is a
safe haven – a place of sustenance and nurturing – that has an air of openness,
spontaneity, and playfulness, and allows for freedom of expression. There
may be occasional arguments and expressions of anger, but peace returns and
individuals feel loved and respected. It functions smoothly like a well-run
company. The executives – the parents – make and agree upon rules, which are
consistent and reasonable.
Jack Welch, former CEO
of General Electric transformed a company that had a closed, inward focused
mentality, an unresponsive bureaucracy, and uncommunicative employees. He
realized the importance of making each employee feel like a valued participant
whose voice mattered, and prided himself on having an “open door” policy that
encouraged freedom of expression. Welch democratized the company, giving
thousands of employees regular opportunities to challenge their supervisors and
share their ideas in decision-making. This empowerment style resulted in surged
performance and employee satisfaction. They felt part of a team and that their
voice mattered. He abhorred secrecy and denial, and wanted problems faced and
solved. He wanted employees that were free thinkers and outspoken about their
ideas and beliefs, even when uncomfortable – when it “might sting.” Employees
were given direct feedback – positive and negative – and they in turn evaluated
their bosses. He organized debates and problem-solving training. G.E. was a
model of an open system both inside and out. It looked worldwide for new ideas
from other companies, and shared the knowledge it gained, which motivated its
suppliers.
Of course a family
shouldn’t function to maximize production and profit, but you can readily see
that Welch’s ideas of openness, direct communication, and egalitarianism
enhanced employee self-esteem, which happens in healthy families. In
dysfunctional families members have lower self-esteem and tend to be
codependent. Some of the symptoms are described below, but not all are
necessary to create dysfunction.
1. Denial. Denial is a
way to ignore or pretend that a painful reality doesn’t exist. Parents try to
act normal amidst family problems and crises – such as a parent’s absence,
illness, or alcoholism. It never gets talked about, nor the problem solved.
This makes children doubt their perceptions and sends a message that they can’t
talk about something strange and frightening – even to each other.
2. A Closed System. A
closed family, unlike G.E., won’t allow differing or new ideas to be discussed
among members or with outsiders. Members aren’t allowed to talk about the
family to others, and might not allow guests from another race or religion.
Some families are isolated and don’t interact with the community. Others do,
but appearances are everything, and the truth about the family isn’t shared. At
bottom are fears of dissimilar ideas and shame.
3. Secrets. Some secrets
are kept for generations about a family shame – whether addiction, violence,
criminal activity, sexual issues, or mental illness. The shame is felt by
children – even when they don’t know the secret.
4.
Dysfunctional Communication. This can take many forms – from an absence of
communication to verbal abuse. Talking is not the same as functional
communication, which involves listening, respect, assertiveness, and
understanding. In dysfunctional families, communication is neither assertive
nor open. People don’t listen and verbal abuse predominates. (See my blogs “Six
Keys to Assertive Communication” and “Emotional Abuse – Beneath Your Radar.”)
Children are afraid to express their thoughts and feelings, and are often
blamed, shamed, or scolded for self-expression. They are told directly or
indirectly not to feel what they feel and may be labelled a sissy, bad, dumb,
lazy, or selfish. They learn not to question their parents and not to trust
their perceptions and feelings.
5. Rigid Rules.
In some families where there is physical or mental illness, parents are too lax
or irresponsible, children lack guidance and don’t feel safe and cared for.
Generally, however, there are restrictive and sometimes arbitrary rules. Many
are unspoken. There’s no room for mistakes. Some parents take over decisions
that children should make and control their hobbies, school courses, friends,
and dress. Natural independence is seen as disloyalty and abandonment. They
prohibit talking about things deemed “inappropriate,” such as sex, death, the
holocaust, grandpa’s limp, or that father was married before. Some families
have rules restricting the expression of anger, exuberance, or crying. When
feelings can’t be expressed, children learn self-control and become overly
controlled or controlling adults, all contributing to low-self-esteem.
6. Arbitrariness and
Inconsistency. What are worse than rigid rules are arbitrary and inconsistent
rules. Children never know when they’ll be punished. Rules that don’t make
sense are unjust. This is cruel and breeds learned helplessness and rage that
can never be expressed. Children are in constant fear, walk on eggshells, and
feel hopeless and resentful because of the unpredictability and unfairness.
Their sense of worth and dignity is violated. They lose respect and trust in
their parents and authority in general. Because they’re forced to comply, some
act-out with rebellious or delinquent behaviour, by doing poorly in school, or
by using drugs.
7. Role Confusion. This happens when a parent is emotionally or
physically absent or is irresponsible and a child takes on parental
responsibilities or becomes a companion or confidante to the other parent. This
is frequently the case after a divorce, but also happens in intact families
where parents lack intimacy. This is age-inappropriate and damaging to the
child psychologically, who must now act like a little adult, repress his or her
needs and feelings, and may feel that he or she is betraying the other parent.
8. Unpredictability.
People feel safe when family life is predictable. If children never know what
mood Mom or Dad will be in, they can’t be spontaneous and are always anxious.
Even worse is chaos, where the family is in constant crisis, often due to
addiction, mental illness,! or sexual, physical, or emotional abuse. Instead of
a safe haven, the family becomes a war zone to escape. Children may take
develop somatic complaints, like headaches and stomach aches.
9. Inability to
Problem-Solve. Resolving problems and conflicts is key to a smooth-running
organization. But in dysfunctional families, children and parents are blamed
repeatedly for the same thing and there are constant arguments or silent walls
of resentment. Nothing gets resolved.
In contrast, healthy
families are safe because open self-expression is encouraged without judgment
or retaliation. Love is shown not only in words, but in empathic, nurturing,
and supportive behaviour. Each member, down to the youngest, is treated as a
valued, respected member. Feedback is allowed, and there’s a sense of equality,
even if parents have the final veto. Parents act responsibly and are
accountable for their commitments and hold children accountable for theirs.
They correct and punish misbehaviour, but don’t blame their children or attack
their character. Mistakes are allowed and forgiven, and parents acknowledge
their own shortcomings. They encourage and guide their children and respect
their privacy and physical and emotional boundaries. These ingredients build
self-esteem, trust, and integrity.
Today companies, young
families, and nations are becoming more open and egalitarian – a hopeful sign
for the future.
©
Darlene Lancer, MFT 2011
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