My Story

I am a Lebanese Muslim female in my late 40's, living in the UAE for the last 15 years. English is my 3rd language. I will do my best to express myself properly.

It took me a long time to understand that Codependency is a spiritual disease and a disconnection from source of all that is. My wake up call hit 2 years ago . It was God's grace and blessing that led me on this path. I wish I knew when I was much younger all what I am going to share.

What I am going to share is sort of old/new or before/after belief system and the transition that took place in my behavior and the shift in my mental and emotional well-being after working the 12 steps of codependents anonymous.

Before I joined CODA my life was rotating around victimhood , depression and misery wrapped up with a huge shell of anger,control, neediness , people pleasing, inability to stand up for myself and a complete sense of numbness, helplessness, emptiness, weakness, sadness and lack of self worth, etc... to name a few. I did say yes when I wanted to say NO and I always cared about what people think about me. It is very difficult to lead such a life. My life had become unmanageable.

In CODA I learned how to rise above my problems and all those feelings, I learned how to surrender to a power greater than myself and I allowed this power to be in control and be the director of my life.

I learned the gift of self-(love, respect and worth), the gift of detachment and the freedom from enmeshment and the bondage to self and others . I became willing to accept whatever life throws at me by accepting myself and allowing others to be themselves and by believing that this life is nothing but a test.

I am not saying that I achieved happiness, but at least, now, I can process my emotions rather than controlling and complaining about others' behavior.

I kind of gained the strength of beating my addiction to dysfunctional people which were just a reflection of my own conditioning like being the victim, being enmeshed and the inability to have healthy choices. Sometimes staying alone is better than being around the wrong people even if those unhealthy people were family members.

I am not encouraging isolation, since the disease of codependency is a disease of isolation. The tools of the program are for sure a breakthrough from isolation. However accepting my loneliness was an important part of my healing journey. I still feel sad and angry when another human being wrongs me which happens almost everyday , however , now I know how to handle these feelings. These feelings are red flags that require some actions like physical, emotional and spiritual boundaries.

Boundaries are heaven , they are like a shield for the psyche and resentment repeller because resentment is so damaging for the soul, it is like drinking poison and thinking the other person will die.
I learned to create that safety gap between another human being and myself rather than being enmeshed.

I learned not to take things personally because people do what they do the way they do it, according to their own reality, their own perceptions, according to their upbringing/conditioning and the role models they had in life and according to the information they have and the behavior they learned since childhood.

Ill treatment is difficult to handle. But since I cannot change others, I can only change the way I react to insanity by setting my boundaries and making healthy choices. And most importantly I bless and pray for those who wrong me in order to be free. Right. Easier said than done. It is a process. Not easy but possible. In my experience, I went through stages of detachments. I used to detach with anger and resentment , then with indifference and then with peace. The stronger the emotional pain had become, the more willing I became to distant myself from emotional pain by practicing self care and self fulfillment in order to achieve divine connection and peace. All this can only be achieved by returning and connecting to source.

A small note here about my struggle to believe in a HP: I was raised in a culture that fears God because it is thought that God is the punisher instead of the idea of God is Love and Light. So I became atheist in my teenage years because I hated the idea, then moved to agnostic , then I got busy raising my family and stopped thinking about this matter of life and religion, spirituality and the universe, etc ...

But with life problems and the accumulation of craziness and insanity, and my long history of depression since I was 20 , my life had become unmanageable in my mid forties. This is when I was introduced to CODA coincidently by divine intervention. When I admitted my powerlessness over others and unmanageability in my life, I came to believe in a power greater than myself that could restore me to sanity , I turned my life and my will over to this power, then serenity and peace became possible and as a result life became much easier. NOT easy! But easier. I have gone through a huge number of psychotherapy sessions in my life but CODA is the best thing that happened to me in terms of recovery and healing. It was like a life magnifier to identify my weak points that Emanate from my own programming from childhood as well as my unlimited strength that emanates from divine intelligence and source.

 I have so much gratitude to my higher power to have put me on the path of recovery from codependency which is the core reason of all other addictions. I have so much self respect for the openness and the willingness to learn about myself, my defects of character in order to better my behaviour and become a better version of myself and to learn about others and not take anything they do personally, instead make healthy choices by not participating in toxic relationships and drama by setting boundaries and standing up for myself.

I feel so much love, respect and gratitude to my beloved sponsor who was sent to me by a divine intervention, for all the time she gave me and all the life lessons she shared with me. She is my guardian angel.

CODA is not a program for people who need it but for people who want it. This program is a journey till the last breath not something that we graduate from. It is a daily assignment, a daily learning and a daily exam.

Every day is a new challenge for me. I go through good and bad days. That's life. However feeling supported by Divine energies that are available 24/7 make life more tolerable in times of difficulties and more enjoyable in times of bliss and serenity.


Anonymous May 2, 2015