9 Strategies for Empaths to Flourish in Relationships

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Via Judith Orloff

Empaths or highly sensitive people may unknowingly sabotage romantic partnerships because deep down they’re afraid of getting engulfed.

For all of the empaths in relationships out there: how do you overcome the inner push and pull that stops you from completely letting go with your partner?

First, be sure to set limits and boundaries with your alone time. Empaths need alone time to replenish away from other people. If empaths don’t allow themselves this alone time, they tend to get overwhelmed in relationships and bolt.

Second, communicate your alone time needs with your partner so your partner understands you and doesn’t think he or she has done anything wrong. Third, enjoy all the positivity of the relationship. Let yourself be happy and grateful for the chance to love each other. Enjoy your relationship: It’s rich, it’s powerful.

It’s a portal to the mysteries of intimacy and spirit.

Have fun together. Each day, allow yourself to open more and more to joy. Sure, there will be periods when you’ll butt heads. And, as Buddhist teacher Stephen Levine says, sometimes the lesson of relationships is “learning to keep your heart open in Hell.” Still, stay clear about your priorities. You’ve met a trusted partner with whom you share a spiritual, passionate bond. How miraculous: despite the countless obstacles that could’ve kept you apart, you’ve found each other again!

This person is the answer to your dreams, the one who was worth waiting for. Always remember that.

In the course of your relationship, I recommend the following strategies from my book, The Power of Surrender. They will help you to keep your heart open and feel safe to let go in the relationship. Use them during ups and downs.

Strategy #1: Be generous.

Give freely to your mate. Regularly express love, support, and positive feedback. Try not to be stingy or withholding. I adore one friend’s view of marriage which he calls “a competition of generosity.”

Strategy #2: Laugh a lot.

Beware of becoming overly serious. Despite the emotional issues that arise in relationships, getting too intense aggravates the situation. Keep a sense of humor. Play and be silly. Be good company for each other. Surrendering to laughter breaks tension and is healing.

Strategy #3: Stay flexible and patient.

Have a cooperative attitude. Being tight fisted and impatient stops you from surrendering. Flow with conflict. If you notice you’re getting overly controlling or pushy take a break for at least a few minutes. Pause and breathe. Don’t polarize into “I’m right, you’re wrong.”

Instead, be willing to give a little and reach middle ground without sacrificing your values.

Strategy #4: Be able to live comfortably with unresolved problems.

Some problems take time to resolve. You can’t reach a perfect solution right away–you must grow into it. In these situations, try to accept that there’s no answer yet. In surrendered relationships, couples learn to flow with uncertainty. Have faith that both you and the universe will find the answer.

Strategy #5: Go on Inner Dates.

When you’re apart or else seek to deepen your non-verbal spiritual connection with your partner pick a time to meditate together for at least five minutes. Whether you’re sitting across from each other or are in separate cities, simply close your eyes, breathe deeply, and silently attune to each other’s essences, to each other’s hearts.

This is a beautiful way of feeling close if you or your partner is away traveling or is simply stuck in the office working. These inner dates are sacred form of intimacy, an infusion of love.

Strategy #6: Love yourself and each other.

True love means first loving yourself, then extending that love outward. A soul mate can add to your happiness but he or she cannot make you happy. It’s not the burden of your mate to heal your emotional issues, nor can you heal theirs. One friend wisely said of her soul mate marriage, “The last thing we want to be is each other’s therapists!” Love and healing start from within.

Strategy #7: Be gentle with each other’s imperfections.

No one is perfect. Not you. Not your mate. Wabi Sabi is the ancient Japanese practice of finding beauty in imperfection. With a soul mate this means appreciating his or her quirks, annoyances, and shortcomings. Even when someone wants to evolve and change, imperfections still remain. Surrender to the wonder of your soul mate, imperfections and all.

Strategy #8: Accept your differences.

No matter how well you and your partner connect, there are differences between you. Accept these rather than insisting that you both see things the same way. That’s never going to happen. Even when you have two versions of reality, try to empathize with where your partner is coming from. Seeing things through his or her eyes fosters understanding, even if you disagree. A soul mate relationship teaches you tolerance, even if some of your partner’s qualities may never change.

Strategy #9: Forgive.

When you or your partner inevitably hurt or disappoint one another discuss how to remedy the situation. Whoever did the hurting must make amends and be willing to change the behavior. Whoever is injured must try not to harbor resentments. It’s easy to cling to “justified” anger but that won’t help you or the relationship.

Forgiveness is the act of compassionately releasing the desire to forever condemn someone for an offense (though this doesn’t mean staying in an abusive setting.) Compassion opens a hidden door to a secret world that exists beyond anger or hurt.

All intimate relationships will ask a lot of you. Continue tapping your inner warrior—we each have one—the part of you that wouldn’t hear of letting fear get the best of you.

Stay open. Stay brave.

Let yourself experience the happiness that comes from the devotion of loving.

Repeat to yourself: I Choose Love

Via Rachel Brathen

By opening my heart I allow wonderful things to flow into my life.

By giving, I receive.

Love is the innermost essence of my soul, and today I will do my best to see the love that is present in every situation.

I choose to give love to every person I meet.

In love… I grow.

Laid (S)

This bed is on fire with passionate love
The neighbours complain about the noises above
But she only comes when she's on top

My therapist said not to see you no more
She said you're like a disease without any cure
She said I'm so obsessed that I'm becoming a bore, oh no

Ah, you think you're so pretty...

Caught your hand inside the till
Slammed your fingers in the door
Fought with kitchen knives and skewers
Dressed me up in womens' clothes
Messed around with gender roles
Line my eyes and call me pretty

Moved out of the house so you moved next door
I locked you out, you cut a hole in the wall
I found you sleeping next to me, I thought I was alone
You're driving me crazy
When are you coming home?

Staying Grounded in a Big City or Busy World (OM)

Staying Conscious

by Madisyn Taylor

For a more grounded life, choose not to get caught up in the fast-paced world around you.

1. Live simply and live deliberately. By choosing not to get caught up in the details of this fast-paced world, you are doing your part to slow down the rat race and quell consumerism. You will also discover that you have more time to enjoy being alive.

2. Stay in touch with yourself. Soul searching, meditation, and journaling are just a few of the many activities you can take part in to stay aware and learn as much as you can about your emotions, reactions, likes, dislikes, dreams, and fears. Having a solid sense of self gives you a firm foundation for living in this world.

3. Support or teach others as often as you can. This can help you form connections with people while also giving you an opportunity to make the world a better place.

4. Consciously choose what you will allow into your being. The media bombards us with visions of hate, war, and pain. Be judicious about what you read, watch, and listen to.

5. Acknowledge the beauty that resides around you. Whether you live in a sprawling metropolis or a stereotypical suburb, there are natural and man-made wonders just waiting to be discovered by you.

6. Nurture your ties to your tribe. If you don’t have one, create a community that you can belong to. Modern life can be isolating. When you have a tribe, you have a circle that you are a part of. Its members – loved ones, friends, or neighbors - can be a source of support, caring, guidance, and companionship.

7. See the larger picture. Remember that the way that you choose to live is not the only way to live. Widen your perspective by exploring other modes of being through research, travel, and discussion.

8. Embrace the challenges that life presents to you, and challenge yourself often. After a time, even the most exciting jobs or lifestyles can seem routine. Never stop assimilating new knowledge about whatever you are doing, and your life will never seem dull.

9. Move your body. In this busy world, it can be easy to live a sedentary life. Movement reacquaints us with our bodies and connects us to the earth in a visceral way. It also restores our vitality.

10. Make time for stillness, silence, and solitude. The world can be noisy, and we are subject to all kinds of noises nearly every waking hour. We are also often “on the go” and unable to relax. Being alone in a peaceful place and making time for quiet can help you stay in touch with yourself. 

For more information visit dailyom.com

The Buddha on Paris: The Story we need to Remember Now

Via Nadia Colburn

I got back from my first 10-day silent vipassana retreat on November 15th, delighted to see my husband and two children after 10 days of having no contact at all with the outer world.

After hugs and after going over how we had each spent the 10 days, my 15-year-old son asked, “Did you hear about Paris?”

“Paris?” I asked.

“What, you didn’t hear about Paris? You’re kidding!”

I couldn’t tell if my son was pulling my leg. What was I supposed to have heard about Paris?

My husband interrupted, “There were terrorists attacks in Paris two days ago.”

My reaction to the news was different than it might have been otherwise, because I had just spent 12 hours a day meditating in complete silence. Everything looked a bit brighter, a bit more sharply defined than it normally did to me. And for the past 10 days, I had reflected on how precious life is, how ever-changing and ephemeral life is and how often in a normal day I usually forget that.

So while I was of course disheartened by the terrorist attacks in Paris, a city that I love and that I have lived in, my first reaction was of stopping.

I remembered a story that the meditation teacher, S. N. Goenka, told over the retreat:

One day Buddha came into a small town. As was usual, a crowd gathered to learn from him. As the crowd grew larger, a young angry man began yelling at Buddha to go away; he worried that the crowd would get too large, that the teacher might take advantage of the students.

In response to the yelling, Buddha remained calm and asked the young man a question: “If you bought a nice gift for someone, but the person to whom you gave the present did not accept the gift, to whom would the gift then belong?”

The young man thought and said, “it would still be mine then.”

“Indeed,” said the Buddha, “and, now you have presented me with the gift of your anger. But what happens if I do not accept the gift? To whom does the anger belong?”

The young man listened. Understanding the lesson, he bowed to the Buddha.

What if we took this teaching with us into the world today?

We have been conditioned to react to violence with fear and anger. We have been conditioned to think that if we react to the sources of violence with violence, we will have more peace and security.

In a recent New York Times Op-Ed, Roger Cohen told us that “To Save Paris” we need to “Defeat Isis.” “The only adequate measure, after the killing of at least 129 people in Paris,” he writes, “is military, and the only objective commensurate with the ongoing threat is the crushing of ISIS.”

But if we learn from history, we will take seriously the teaching of the Buddha and realize that anger and violence beget only more anger and violence if we accept their gift.

Let’s remember what has happened in the past when we have tried to “crush” a dangerous power: We tried to eradicate Saddam Hussein, and we destabilized an entire region, ultimately strengthening militant radical groups like The Taliban and ISIS. Three thousand people were killed on 9/11, and as a direct result of our response to that violence, many more than 3,000 American soldiers died in the Iraq war, hundreds of thousands of Iraqi civilians died, and the world is certainly not a safer place today than it was 14 years ago.

When 130 people die in Paris, we are conditioned to think we must do something to make ourselves more secure.

Buddhism teaches us to sit with fear, to sit with vulnerability, to sit with anger and with grief and to respond not in crisis, but with wisdom.

Buddhism is sometimes misperceived as a religion of passivity. If you don’t react, you don’t really care; if you don’t react, you must be weak—you must be lacking courage. But we can stop for a moment, and then act—not react—with pragmatic wisdom that will curb violence and suffering, not ignite the fire.

And we can re-imagine bravery.

We can re-imagine courage and turn our attention away from fighting an enemy and toward working together to make the world a more sustainable place for all people.

This week, Paris offers the world an opportunity to do just that.

The Paris Climate Talks are our best hope of creating real international regulations without which it will be almost impossible to address the overwhelming threat of climate change and environmental degradation that affects every single human life and every species alive.

While we have managed to gather enormous resources to fight wars (we spent 10.3 billion dollars a month in the Iraq war, and consumed 50 million gallons of fuel each month in Iraq!) imagine what would happen if we found a similar will to combat climate change.

Imagine what could happen if we really tried to save lives, and didn’t just react to violence with more violence.The World Health Organization predicts, in what many believe is a very low estimate, that there will be 250,000 additional deaths per year as a result of climate change. Others put the numbers higher, from 400,000 per year to 100,000 million by 2030.

For two weeks, Paris was in the news every day because of the terrorist attacks.

Now, it’s up to us to turn our attention to Paris again. Let’s come together and ask the leaders of the world to use their force to protect us—not by using violence, but by moving away from fossil fuels, by investing in renewable energy sources and by taxing carbon use for a more sustainable world.

Chasing Pavements (S)

I've made up my mind,
Don't need to think it over
If I'm wrong, I am right
Don't need to look no further,
This ain't lust
I know this is love

But if I tell the world
I'll never say enough
'cause it was not said to you
And that's exactly what I need to do
If I end up with you

[Chorus:]
Should I give up?
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place?
Should I leave it there?
Should I give up?
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?

I build myself up
And fly around in circles
Waitin' as my heart drops
And my back begins to tingle
Finally, could this be it

[Chorus:]
Or should I give up?
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place?
Should I leave it there?

Should I give up?
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?

Should I give up?
Or should I just keep on chasin' pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place?
Should I leave it there?

Should I give up?
Or should I just keep on chasin' pavements?
Should I just keep on chasin' pavements?
Ohh oh

[Chorus:]
should I give up?
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place?
Should I leave it there?

should I give up?
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?

Starving the Beast: 7 Ways to Control our Emotions

Via Nicole Boyer

I was in the grocery store the other day, and a mom was pushing a crying child in the basket. I don’t know what he was upset about, but his mom kept saying to him, “Stop your crying, right now!”

As if that was going to work.

Mom was only trying to make herself look appropriate to others around her, by showing that she was trying to do something about the disturbance. And she was actually getting more and more emotional and angry as it went on. She was feeding her beast and her child’s beast too. All I could think of, as I looked at her, was my grandmother’s favorite saying, “Will this matter five years from now?” And if the answer is “no,” then it is time to starve the beast.

Now, starving that beast is not something that happens overnight. We have set up some behaviors that allow us to get over-emotional, and changing those behavior will take some time, and a few practiced steps:

1. We have to recognize when the beast is on the prowl for food.

2. We have to develop some specific strategies to deny him his food

3. We have to practice those strategies in the moment, when the beast is emerging from his hiding place.

Here are seven strategies that we should all practice when extreme negative emotion is threatening to rob us of our peace and to spill over into the lives of those around us.

Get Out of the Moment

The anger, despair, anxiety or depression we are feeling is only because we are in a very current situation right now. This is not yesterday, and it is not tomorrow. It is right now. We may not be able to physically remove yourself from the situation, but we can mentally.

If I am in my car, and someone has just cut me off, causing me to slam on my brakes and my bags of groceries to go flying all over, it is normal to be angry. My first instinct is to lay on my horn, then I want to get in the other lane, pull up beside him, give him the finger and start hurling insults. I may feel better momentarily, but if this behavior is the norm for me when I become angry with someone or something, the long-term effects can be pretty harmful, especially physically.

Let’s play a different scenario. The same car cuts me off. I really want to lash out at this jerk, but if I am practicing starving my beast, I won’t. I’ll think about that great party last night and the even greater guy I met.

How can I be angry now? Love is in the air!

Don’t Deflect.

We are the only ones responsible for our negative emotions on steroids. And one of the things we do to justify them is to place the blame somewhere else. “I wouldn’t be so angry if only he… (fill in the blank).” No, we wouldn’t be so angry except that we are feeding our beast right now. People disappoint us; people wrong us; people “push our buttons” because they know they can. We have to acknowledge that we are angry (or depressed, or jealous) and ask “Why?” We are feeling this strong emotion because someone got something we wanted, someone stood us up, someone made a promise and didn’t keep it. That’s on them. So we need to ask ourselves:

Will this matter five years from now?

Who is really in control here? If we let what someone else says or does get this kind of a rise out of us, then that person is in control of us.

It is so liberating once we can acknowledge our hurt or anger, stop blaming others for it, and make the decision not to feed our beast in response.

Don’t Wallow.

We all love pity parties if we are feeding our beast. We can sit alone, ruminate over a situation until it almost becomes an obsession, and just stay stuck in the negativity. Or we can do something else right now.

>>> We can go to the store and indulge ourselves a bit.

>>> We can run by the local food bank and deliver some groceries or write a check.

>>> We can ride a bike, take a walk, go to the gym, or meet a friend for happy hour.

>>> We can go on a cleaning binge. A friend of mine told me about one time she had been dumped by a guy she was sure was “it.” She fed her beast for a couple of days and finally decided it was time to start again. Her first act? Cleaning out her closets and drawers. She said it was all symbolic, for cleaning out her head, but the side benefit was that she had really well-organized drawers and lots of stuff to give away.

>>> We can read a book that takes us to a different place.

Hang Out With People who are Even-Tempered or who Only Feed Their Happy Beasts.

It’s hard to be depressed, anxious, or angry when everyone around us is pleasant, happy, and having a good time. And if we make a habit of this, we tend to feed our happy beast too. And that happy beast? He tends to fend off that negative beast pretty well.

When we can replace a negative emotion with a good one, and do it often, it becomes habitual.

Create a Better Physical Presence.

Negative emotions do have physical counterparts. Anger increases heart rate and blood pressure – not a good thing. There are some physical things to do to alter these conditions as soon as the anger beast takes over.

>>> We can breathe—deeply, focusing on the exhale and picture ourselves expelling all of “bad breath” of anger or anxiety.

>>> We can walk briskly, counting our steps.

>>> We can turn on some fun, fast music and dance.

Brain Power.

Emotions are not rational, but small amounts can motivate us. A little bit of anger about a situation can motivate us to take some positive steps to find a solution. Anxiety can have the same impact.

But when the steroidal anger or anxiety take hold, our brains are not functioning. We become stupid and we start to do stupid things. It’s time to force the rational, non-emotional parts our brains to function right away. Any of the following will work:

>>> Try to recite a poem from childhood.

>>> Start with first grade and start naming all teachers forward

>>> Recite the alphabet backwards

As the brain kicks in, the irrational emotional centers fade away and are reduced to the moderate, calmer beast

Get Needs Met.

Every human has needs. Of course we need those things at the bottom of Maslow’s pyramid – food, shelter, and clothing. Then, as we move up that pyramid, the needs become more complex and less physical. Pretty soon we are to the point of needing relationships, work that satisfies our need for self-worth, a feeling of belonging, intellectual stimulation, and so forth.

When these higher level needs are not met, emotions are triggered easily and they become more extreme. So we hurl insults at the driver who cut us off. We allow even small slights to turn into major offenses against us. We blame others for our disappointments.

The only solution is to pursue the needs that are not being met. It’s a process that requires goal-setting and little action plans.

And the biggest thing?

We make the decision only to get emotional about those things that will matter five years from now.

Getting Exactly What You Need (KB)

It is said that the tzadikim (righteous souls) never have “peace” in this world. They are always in middle of the cosmic battle between Light and Darkness, fighting on behalf of the rest of us. Thankfully, most of us don’t have to go through a life of unending struggle because we’re not as spiritually elevated as these righteous souls. But what we can glean from their sacrifice is the understanding that every trial that we go through and every test we come up against—whether sickness, loss of a loved one, loss of wealth, or loss of anything else we deem important—is exactly what we need at that moment for our spiritual growth. If we can keep this understanding in the forefront of our heart and mind in the middle of our greatest challenges, then we can anchor ourselves with our certainty in the Light that can carry us through.

I Know I'm Not Wrong (S)

Her lips were waitin'
Her eyes looked sad
The dreams of a lifetime
A year gone bad
The dreams of a lifetime
Told me wrong
Everything is all right
And now it's gone
Don't blame me
Please be strong I know I'm not wrong
Here comes the nightime
Lookin' for a little more
Waitin' on the right time
Somebody outside the door
Don't blame me
Please be strong I know I'm not wrong.

Nobility

When a man has pity on all living creatures, then only is he noble. -Gautama Buddha

I saw a man on the freeway putting himself at risk to save a runaway dog. Occasionally, I see a lady in my local park feeding the ducks. When I'm at the airport I occasionally observe a blind person being helped by a guide dog. Love, concern, and trust are all aspects of Say Yes to Your Spirit. And none of this is complicated. The above stories that include animals are all everyday experiences. None of them are complicated theory. Rather they represent feelings. They are an emotional response to life. Nobility is demonstrating love as a response to the many happenings in our life. It is the love dance. - Leo Booth

Today I am able to appreciate the creatures who share our planet.

NUGGETS OF WISDOM - 18

• Being miserable is a habit. Being happy is a habit. The choice is yours. - Tom Hopkins
• During my 87 years, I have witnessed a whole succession of technological revolutions. But none of them has done away with the need for character in the individual or the ability to think. - Bernard Baruch
• It is the studying that you do after your school days that really counts. Otherwise, you know only that which everyone else knows. - Henry Doherty
• I might have been born in a hovel, but I am determined to travel with the wind and the stars. - Jacqueline Cochran
• We all have our own life to pursue, our own kind of dream to be weaving, and we all have the power to make wishes come true, as long as we keep believing. — Louisa May Alcott
• The contact of the mortal mind with its indwelling Adjuster, while often favored by devoted meditation, is more frequently facilitated by wholehearted and loving service in unselfish ministry to one's fellow creatures.
• Lend yourself to others, but give yourself to yourself. - Michel de Montaigne
• Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. - Elbert Hubbard
• Be yourself; everyone else is already taken. - Oscar Wilde
• Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind. - Bernard M. Baruch
• You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching, Love like you'll never be hurt, Sing like there's nobody listening, And live like it's heaven on earth. - William W. Purkey
• In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on. - Robert Frost
• No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. - Eleanor Roosevelt
•  Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. - Oscar Wilde
• I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. - Maya Angelou
• Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. - H. Jackson Brown Jr.
• The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven. - John Milton
• Every person is going to leave a legacy. What kind of legacy do you want to leave? - Bob Proctor
• Nothing is impossible, the word itself says, ‘I’m possible! - Audrey Hepburn
• We all have dreams. But in order to make dreams come into reality, it takes an awful lot of determination, dedication, self-discipline and effort. - Jesse Owens
• I always did something I was a little not ready to do. I think that’s how you grow. When there’s that moment of ‘Wow, I’m not really sure I can do this,’ and you push through those moments, that’s when you have a breakthrough. - Marissa Mayer
• Once you realize that you have identified a passion, invest in yourself. Figure out what you need to know, what experience and expertise you need to develop to do the things that you feel in your heart you will enjoy and that will sustain you both mentally and economically. - Martha Stewart

Heart Is A Drum (S)

Free as a driving wheel
Circling around your iron will
See only what you feel
Keeps you turning when you're standing still
You tried to run from trouble when it comes
You followed the drum keeping time with everyone

High as the light of day
You're falling down across your lost highway
Pain - does it hurt this way?
To come so far to find they've closed the gates?
You've lost your tongue when you fall from the pendulum
Your heart is a drum keeping time with everyone

Everyone, if they drown from the undertow
Need to find someone to show me how to play it slow
And just let it go

Your eyes get stung by the rays of the sinking sun
You follow the drum keeping time with everyone
Going beat beat beat, it's beating me down
Beat beat beat beat, it's beating me down
Day after day, it's turning around
'Til all my days are drowning out