Suza Scalora sits down with Kim Eng, counselor, public speaker and partner of spiritual teacher, Eckhart Tolle, to discuss how we can cultivate consciousness as parents and support our children in flourishing into healthy, conscious adults.
Suza
In your opinion, what is the most vital thing a parent can do to support their child and help them flourish into a balanced, healthy adult?
Kim
What comes to mind is a line from the movie Avatar, “I see you.” That is what every child craves, in fact, what we all crave — to be seen. If we can get beyond the form, the baby, the body, the crying and just “see,” by which I mean, just sense their essence. There are so many sacred moments that we often miss because we get lost in thinking. We send our children to school at an early age and they’ve got to achieve this and they’ve got to accomplish that. They begin to lose sight of who they really are. It’s important to see your child, so give your child that attention. Of course we need to give attention to what they do, but it’s even more important to give attention to who they are at their core. This kind of attention goes beyond any doing, beyond the body, beyond the mind. The giving of pure attention is love, so by giving love we teach them what love is, and the importance of love, and so they develop the ability to love.
Suza
How does a conscious parent help their child navigate an ‘unconscious’ world that can be highly competitive and mired in fear?
Kim
A conscious parent creates something else at home. Our home is a manifestation of what is inside of us. If we are conscious, then that gets reflected in our environment, especially our home. As the child gets older, and as we become more masterful in cultivating presence internally and in our home, we can extend that into the world.
Right now, to a large extent the world we have created is a reflection of our unconsciousness, which re-creates certain basic patterns again and again, but we’re waking up from that. In order to continue to awaken, we must understand that we have everything, right now, within us.
It’s also important to have periods in your daily activities dedicated to doing absolutely nothing but being. You can do that with your children—just be there with them. Even in the “doing,” in the playing, you can be present with them by truly seeing and enjoying them.
Suza
Being able to really see your child starts with this recognition that there’s something deeper inside of us. When we recognize this power within us we’re able to recognize it in others.
Kim
Yes, absolutely. If there’s going to be any real change, it has to start with us. If we don’t do this for ourselves, but we try to create it for our children, it won’t hold up. Children know intuitively when things are phony.
Suza
Can you talk about this deeper sense of self and how it differs from our identification with the functions and roles we play in society?
Kim
Parenting is a function. Any job we have is a function; but, that’s not who we are on the deepest level. When we become attached to our function and identify with it, we become unconscious of who we are in our essence. Who or what we essentially are, is awareness or consciousness. It’s not only important to teach our children how to be in the world, but how to detach from it as well. We can be in the world, but not of it. What does “of” refer to here? It is the identification, the attachment to the roles we play and the expectations we have for ourselves and others.
Suza
As a parent, your function includes protecting and teaching your child. What is the difference, from a conscious parenting perspective, between serving your role as a parent and identifying with your role as parent?
Kim
When we identify with the role of parent, we take on this idea of “this is who I am”—and it’s not. Adopting the identity of parent gives us this idea that we are superior in some way. In order for someone to be superior, someone has to be inferior. So, who’s inferior? The child.
When we play such a role in the relationship, we often put expectations on our children. We want them to become doctors or lawyers, for example. The child, however, may love art or dance or something else, but we get fixated on this idea that they need to achieve “success” on our terms. We allow our identification with the parent role to take over. Instead of guiding them we try to mold them, so that their life fits our expectations. If they fail, or fail to conform, we become unhappy. If they do conform, chances are that they will become unhappy. This is what can happen when we identify with our roles. We put an identity around ourselves and, consequently, around our children.
When we choose to see or rather sense the true nature of our child, and realize that it is one with our own true nature, then this false identity disappears. Simply knowing that we are more than our functions in society is enough to become conscious. Our essential nature is awareness. Realizing that, is spiritual awakening.