By Melanie Tonia Evans
And I really think it’s important to have a discussion about it.
Why?
Because it disturbs me.
I think this topic, “the danger of praising children”, is laden with misunderstandings, and if taken literally could cause more narcissism than prevent it.
I urge you to read this important article, as I believe this topic could have dramatic effects on our future generations if we don’t understand what is really necessary to help our children be the most “whole” that they can be.
And also so that FINALLY we can stop the unconscious damage that happens to children’s Inner Identities – the SAME damage that happened to ours.
Is The Major Cause of Narcissism Excessive Praise?
Yes, definitely excessive “praise” and entitlement can create narcissism, but there are much more common issues in everyday homes which create narcissism.
Such as: poor emotional intelligence, emotional neglect, emotionally immature projected messages that are laden with guilt, manipulation, untrue statements, blame and shame.
I am a little (actually a lot) astounded that a viral article hasn’t been written about those issues causing narcissism.
Also, as I will discuss later in this article, I don’t believe what the authors are talking about is “praise” or “valuing”, and I will explain why … when I get to that part.
When I posted about these articles on my Facebook page it was clear a limited number of people agreed with them – that their narcissist was the product of too much praise. However, most people stated that their narcissist was the product of childhood abuse, criticism and never feeling good enough.
This is what most people had to say …
“Statistics can be used to prove just about anything. May well be true in some cases, but the narcissists in my life were not much praised as children. If anything they were criticised a lot.”
“The narcissists I have experienced have all been criticised, never good enough, you work for uncontainable praise, actually sadly quite broken as children.”
“I had a hard time getting on board with this ‘study.’ I’ve known plenty of narcissists (family members, friends, lovers…) and all of their childhoods were filled with neglect, instability and were constantly devalued. It’s almost as if their narcissism is an overreaction to not being nurtured or praised enough by their parents.”
Personally, I tend to agree, not just from personal experience with both of the narcissists I was abused by, who had suffered immense emotional neglect, criticism and violence as children, but also within the thousands of cases that I have personally seen since I began this mission back in 2007.
Absolutely, I have heard of narcissists that were over indulged and over-praised, but I have to say they are few and far between.
What I Believe the Real Danger of This “Not Praising” Message is
Wow – where do I start?
If you hadn’t guessed, I’m passionate about this, but also a little annoyed because I KNOW firsthand, personally as well as professionally, what happens when children are not recognised and do not receive adequate approval.
I know it creates narcissists and co-dependents.
It creates people with defective self-esteems who are forever seeking outside approval, rather than being able to generate it within themselves.
Children are empty little sponges who begin life with not yet formed Inner Identities. Their Inner Identity takes form in response to the messages received from the environment.
Children are not born with an intact self-esteem, they need to have their worth mirrored back to them.
They need to know that there is a HUGE difference between “You did something wrong”, and “You are wrong.”
And … “You are loveable for being you”, as opposed to “You are loveable only when doing, achieving or being this certain way”, which is sadly a common mode of parenting in today’s society.
Children need to know they are worthy of love simply because they are a being who exists.
Messages of conditional love created all sorts of maladaptation – the agony of inner emptiness, and then not having the ability to self-soothe, or self-generate “wholeness”. Then this “gap” needs to be filled from the outside; by stuff or other people as a futile and precarious (conditional) attempt to feel “whole”.
As far as I am concerned these articles are running dangerously close to promoting exactly that.
How can NOT letting children know they are worthy, special and valued for being “them” be healthy?
The Lack of Consciousness In Our World
Narcissism is NOT a psychological issue, and it can’t be cured or prevented psychologically.
It is a spiritual issue.
It is the human perpetuated illusion of “separation” that has generated so much fear and created the disastrous divisions, devastation and aggressive world as we know it.
And now we are endorsing beliefs that telling a child they are special will make then “entitled” and “better” than others?
Isn’t this really because we are not teaching our children the real truth that we are all “One”?
As long as religion and other myths enforce “separatism” and “differences” (meaning never being accepted by God or damned to eternal suffering for not conforming to a certain philosophy) is it any wonder that we can’t embrace that we are ALL “special” and “acceptable” unconditionally simply because we exist.
Being stuck in the illusion of “separatism” allows the illusion of comparison. Comparison is a product of the ego – it is one of the most painful aspects arising from the illusion of separatism.
So, is it any wonder that we are fearful of generating the belief: “I am better than you?”
Yet, if the perpetuated myths of separatism were eliminated, we would all organically adore and embrace our own and other people’s specialness and worth, and start feeling that and behaving accordingly.
And we would definitely stop the narcissistic fearful defensiveness, one-upping, and trying to destroy each other.
It is incredibly sad, within defunct human consciousness, that we are now spreading messages about NOT telling our children how much we value them. Not infusing them with how wise and special, kind and wonderful they are – because we are frightened that they will start behaving like narcissists.
THAT is the exact OPPOSITE of what we should be doing …
The “Specialness” of Our Children
How tragic it is that we can’t recognise that our children ARE special.
This new generation, and the ones to come, look at the way we have done life … with our control, our fear and the way we have pillaged our planet of resources, forcing ourselves into constraints and pressures to consume manically … rather than go with the flow of the symphony of nature and life, and how we have been excluding, demeaning and judging and mercilessly killing each other in the name of righteousness … as insane.
So many young people see this, and KNOW and STATE how self-defeating it is … they don’t agree with the way we live, and nor should they. They cellularly know and feel the madness in it.
They care about our planet, they care about what we are doing to each other, and they don’t want petty discrimination, separatism, and war any more …
So please, rather than trying to take young people down a peg or two – thinking they are lazy, unmotivated, rebellious and prone to be narcissistic (as if that ISN’T a massive projection of our own stuff) … bother to speak to young people, bother to feel into them, and deeply connect with them, and you will see what their natural, organic view of the world is.
And how much MORE naturally evolved it is than ours.
Our children are our teachers … they are our hope of evolution, they are the new wave, they are the new breed who will create change.
There is not one parent that I know, who is connected to their child, who does not recognise the incredible wisdom and soul awareness their child has which is light-years ahead of our own.
So why wouldn’t we want to acknowledge our children are special, and nurture them to be the incredible shining lights that they REALLY are?
It is madness NOT to …
These Articles Are Not Talking About Praise
The message being passed around is: “Excessive praise creates narcissists.”
When I googled “the definition of praise” these were the results: express warm approval or admiration of, express one’s respect and gratitude towards, the expression of approval or admiration for someone or something, and the expression of respect and gratitude as an act of worship.
All of these definitions have a beautiful, warm, expansive energy to them. They are a wholesome energy statement that can only promote more of that.
The “praise” that these articles is talking about is NOT praise.
Let me explain. …
Children are NOT stupid – the child who became a narcissist, right from the beginning felt the unhealthy “praise” received from an immature undeveloped highly co-dependent or narcissistic parent as insincere.
The “praise” was never about the child specifically, and it was NOT authentic.
Authentic praise can only be delivered from an authentic emotionally healthy person.
THAT is the real issue … it has nothing to do with “praise” it has to do with the intention and the emotional lack of health of the person delivering faulty versions of praise.
In these cases (the articles) this has nothing to do with “praising” or “valuing” a child – excessive or otherwise.
The “praise” was about trying to groom the child for mining of energy (manipulation), or using the child as a pawn to hurt someone else (devalue another by comparison), or pump up the child’s accomplishments to get attention or significance from others (narcissistic supply), or to try to project one’s own wanted significance (generated from feelings of dire insignificance) onto the child.
Those were the main narcissistic reasons.
Or the over-doing of “praise” was so that the parent could feel better about themselves … with motives like this … Being a “great” parent may ease my feelings of depression and failure. Or … It will help appease my guilt for what I have put this child through.
These are the main co-dependent reasons for inauthentic praise.
This “praise” entered the child’s body (subconscious) not as authentic esteem building energy – it entered as toxicity that created great damage to the child’s Inner Identity.
Because it was NOT about the child!
It was ALL about the parent!
Until our world understands and acknowledges energy statements, emotions and how our subconscious works, forms and reacts, then naturally only the surface level is looked at – and I believe that is EXACTLY what these articles are doing.
Unwholesome energy coming from unhealed inner emptiness / pain only creates more of that.
This is not “praise” – it is dire unhealed unconsciousness that our world does not address.
And if it WAS addressed … and adults were healed enough to be authentic rather than acting out of their own unhealed wounds, then any child being told they were “special” is going to organically develop into more “wholeness”.
Because the statements of appreciation, approval and worthiness would be generated from a parent being authentically loving, and authentically recognising the child without agenda.
It would be a parent flowing “wholeness” through them.
Then, not only is this child likely to develop healthy self-esteem, there will also be an overflow of this child’s Inner Being – generating more wholeness, specialness, love and connection with others and Life itself.
How can loving, wholesome, authentic energy NOT create that?
Communication Recognition
According to Brad Bushman, in the first article, the compliments of telling her “You’re very smart.” Or telling him “You’re a very special kid” can create narcissism.
Whereas “You worked very hard” creates better self-esteem but keeps the ego in check.
As far as I am concerned the last statement can make a child believe he or she needs to accomplish something in order to gain recognition.
I believe it is essential that the child feels special – simply because they exist.
Isn’t this a creation of “Who You Are”, rather than “What You Do?”
No-one ever lies on their death bed wanting recognition for their mansion, sports cars and numerous degrees. They want recognition of the love they have granted and shared – they want recognition of connection.
Connection and happiness truly only occurs from the inner development of “Oneness” and the resources to connect.
People at the end of their lives want to be recognised as being a great family member, lover and friend. They want to be known as a wonderful human being.
I believe there is no issue in congratulating our children on achievements, as long as we ensure they understand THAT is not why we love them … and we totally accept, love and support them regardless of what they do or don’t achieve.
We love them just for being them.
Liking ones achievements does not equal liking – or more importantly – loving and unconditionally accepting oneself.
It makes self-love and self-acceptance conditional.
Until a child loves and accepts self (needing that modelled by parents first) they cannot organically develop into an adult who loves and accepts themselves.
No child is ever going to connect with others healthily until they have learnt to love their own Inner Being and connect with that.
According to the article ….
“‘Self-esteem basically means you’re a person of worth equal with other people,’ Bushman tells Shots. ‘Narcissism means you think you’re better than other people.’”
This is what I really want to say about the spiritual deficiency here …
How can a child know they are worthy of being “equal” unless as a child their worthiness was fully acknowledged?
How can anyone value another and see them as “worthy” (equal) until they have learnt to value themselves?
How can you respect, love and revere others until you have learn to be that for yourself?
We see and treat others how we see and treat ourselves. Others see and treat us how they see and treat themselves.
It all gets back to the VERY necessary inner job of “self-worthiness”.
Now … to challenge this statement: “Narcissism means you think you’re better than other people” …
NO narcissist believes they are better than others. That’s a front, and a very flimsy one. Narcissists KNOW inherently the devastating feelings of NOT being worthy, hence the constant cracks of childish outbursts and narcissistic injury / rage at the slightest provocation.
If they REALLY thought they were great and “better” – that would NOT happen!
The issue here is NOT about bolstering children’s self-esteems to the point of narcissism … it is about DAMAGING their self-esteem and devaluing them – because that is the ONLY way narcissism is created.
When anyone genuinely and authentically accepts the fullness and truth of their specialness, then organically they revere all beings with divine love, compassion and respect.
They ARE whole.
There is no possibility of narcissism in that.
Other Parts I Have Issues With
I found this part of the article quite surprising …
“Bushman made sure to focus on children between 7 and 12 years old, so that by the time the study finished all of them would be older than 8. ‘You can’t measure narcissism in children before age 8, because every child is a narcissist,’ he says. If you ask younger kids in a classroom if they are good at math or good at baseball, Bushman says all the kids will raise their hands.”
I found this really interesting, because I remember some years ago when I held meditation classes for children, I was so saddened by the amount of children 5 – 10 years of age who stated how poor they were at things.
In all of those classes I was lucky to have 10% of the class as confident children …
Was I dealing with children from another planet?
Also this statement I find misleading …
“Parental warmth doesn’t predict it (narcissism). Parental narcissism alone doesn’t predict it. But parental overvaluation alone does predict it.”
Wow – how frightening that parents may get turned off valuing their children now … and totally believe that warmth (I’m assuming this means “love”?) is not a necessary criteria to protect their children from becoming narcissists.
Thank goodness the message at the end of the article included “I love you” as an important message. This is the only part of the article that I absolutely agree with.
The Messages I Truly Agree With
Here are some examples of genuine healthy praise that raises the self-esteem of a child, and also generates more consciousness in regard to connection with others.
I really want to share with you this message, which my good friend and fellow NARP Member Suzanne shared on the Facebook conversation …
“Since I am an early childhood educator, I am aware that all the research about self-esteem indicates that children develop good self-esteem when given unconditional positive regard by their primary caregivers and other adults.
Self-esteem also is internalised when children receive unemotional feedback in regard to their actions. In this way, they are not shamed but receive feedback about specific actions and behaviours that are not internalised in a shameful manner. Telling a child that he is a good boy, or that his drawing is fantastic can be a bit confusing to a child because he will not know what makes him good except to internalise his caregiver’s idea about what the caregiver perceives is good. He will also not realise what about his drawing is good either.
If we, as responsible adults were to change this feedback to something like ‘John, I really like the way that you shared your toys with Joanna just then. That was a very thoughtful thing to do.’ OR, ‘Joanna, I love the way that you used that red in your painting in your sunset. It really adds something special to your picture.’
In this way, children get to see the results of cause and effect and can internalise what exactly they did that had a positive impact on others, or what they do that is valuable to others, or is appreciated by others. If they get enough feedback that is genuine and can see that it is true feedback that fits with what they believe about themselves, then this funds a solid sense of self.
Another way to boost self-esteem is to share feelings honestly with children so that they receive feedback about their actions on others. For example, little Joey bites little Claudia. Little Claudia is angry, hurt and upset. A caring adult supports her while she shares with little Joey, how his action has impacted on her. All that is said is ‘Joey, I am angry with you because you bit me on the arm and it really hurts. I want you to not bite me again next time. Next time, please tell me you are upset with me and don’t bite.’
This is said in small pieces so that the child can say the whole message and little Joey is told that he must keep eye contact with Claudia while she is sharing her feelings with him. Little Joey then has the opportunity to hear how his actions impacted on Claudia and has a consequence for his actions to repair the damage that he has caused her that will mean something to her.
With young and older children this works really well and kids love it because they can put words to emotions that they cannot articulate yet. It works with kids younger than 3 and they feel vindicated, seen and heard for their true little selves. They also feel empowered and confident and in a class of 20 little ones, all the kids feel safe, unencumbered by a backlog of negative feelings and can get on with their day. The classroom is a happy environment too.
In this way, the child sees that he or she is valued for the true self and who that true self is, is validated and all children see that they are valued and no-one is more important or less important than anyone else.
That has been my experience and that is why I love teaching young children.”
That message included so much wisdom and truth! I can’t thank Suzanne enough for sharing this message with us all.
This other message I also found incredibly special comes from another dear friend and NARP Member Teresa.
“Ever since I started teaching I have been saying these words to the birthday student in front of the class. Reminding them of how special and precious and significant they are simply because they exist.
I received notes like this from my dear students.
It was the best gift ever to read words that the heart longs to hear. It would have been okay if never shared with me. I know my worth. But to know someone wanted me to know that these words also applied to their teacher and that she needed to hear them is more precious than gold. Thank you.”
These pictures CLEARLY show the results of evolved recognition of children –done from a “whole” space without agenda, or the projection of one’s own wounds.
This is in STARK CONTAST to the theory that “too much praise” would create self-absorbed little narcissists!
What did the recognition and approval of their True Selves do? The only thing it could ever do – generate more consciousness, Oneness and wholeness.
These children are passing on the over-flow of love, connection and wholeness that has filled them.
These children have awaken to their True Selves and are responding from that place.
THAT is our job with our children … To recognise, salute and introduce our children to their own divinity.
But we will NEVER be able to do that authentically until we have healed enough to accept our own divinity.
I hope I have given you real food for thought.
And I really hope you work on yourselves enough to flow authenticity and Source truths through you. Ones which are full of love, warmth and appreciation for your children – in such ways that you truly connect with them.
Our children are sacred, and our world needs them to be as healthy, empowered and authentically whole as they can be.
We all went along with, allowed and created a huge global mess, and it is going to be up to our future generations to sort it out …
So let’s do all we can to help them see and actualise Who They Really Are.
Please Spread This Important Message
I feel incredibly passionate about this topic, because how we raise our children is going to have a dramatic effect on the future of our world.
Are we going to make the same mistakes that our former generations did?
Are we going to make our children earn love, approval and worthiness in all sorts of maladapted ways – ways that hurt them and hurt others.
Are we going to continue the separatism of “I am superior or inferior” because there has never been an essential relationship developed with “self”.
Not praising our children, due to fear of breeding narcissism, will create more separateness and feelings of unworthiness – ultimately leading to a new breed of co-dependents and narcissists.
Instead we need to show our inner children they are special because they exist – unconditionally.
We need them to organically know and embody their worth without conditions – and then they will do what individuals with authentic inner worth do – grow up to be spectacular human beings sharing their missions collectively.
Please share this article – by doing so you will be contributing to the global mission of raising consciousness and dissolving damaging human illusions.
